The 15 Incredible Things All Singles Must Know to Find Long-lasting Love

 

Grab that dream relationship and live happily ever after with these 15 important tips on finding long-lasting love as provided via Dailymail.

 

As the hype for Valentine’s Day gains momentum, Britain’s singletons brace themselves for National Single Awareness Day.

 

There are thousands of books, websites, blogs, apps and agencies that aim to help singles (who aren’t happy with their lot - there are plenty who are!) find love.

 

After 30 years of writing and researching relationships, these are what I consider to be the most helpful pieces of advice for anyone struggling to find a healthy, happy, long-term love.

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY 

If you’ve been single for a long time, your less attractive friends are being asked out but no-one ever comes near you, it’s time to face up to the part you’re playing in this.

 

Ditto if your relationships are disastrous when you have one and you always end up being badly hurt.

 

You can blame all of these scenarios on bad luck or proclaim all men are b******s and women b*****s but the fact is, a lot of it is up to you.

You choose the people you go out with, you stay in bad relationships, you’re the one glaring at people who smile at you in hopes of a conversation and a date.

 

I’m not saying you haven’t had bad luck or are responsible for that awful ex who turned out to be abusive.

 

But if your relationships are consistently toxic and harmful or if no-one has approached you for years, it’s time to face up to what might be going on.

Is there something you are doing to get the results you don’t want? Is there a reason you are subconsciously choosing people who clearly aren’t right for you? The way to figure the part you’re playing is to look at your past relationships and examine them honestly.

 

It’s worth talking to a good therapist if you don’t feel able to do this solo (itsgoodtotalk.org.uk or relate.org.uk) or ask a trusted friend to give you an honest appraisal of where they think you’re going wrong.

 

Alternatively, choose from many good books about the topic. The Single Trap: The Two-Step Guide to Escaping it and Finding Lasting love (Andrew G. Marshall) is a good start.

 

THERE IS NO 'THE ONE'

Believing in ‘The One’ is a dangerous concept. It makes people stay in bad relationships when they should leave and is about as helpful as believing in the tooth fairy.

 

There are many people in the world that can make you happy, not just one solitary person who has decided they want to leave you and herd sheep in some far-flung field in New Zealand.

IT'S NOT ABOUT THE LIGHTNING BOLT EITHER

A recent survey found one in four singles miss out on love because they’re obsessed with finding an instant connection.

Despite lots of couples claiming ‘they knew’ the minute their future husband or wife walked in the room, in reality, lots of good relationships build rather than happen instantly.

 

That flash of connection is a great sign and shouldn’t be discounted - it means you fancy the pants off each other and have good chemistry.

 

But I can think of at least six people I know who didn’t feel chemistry at the start who are now very happily settled down. Give people three dates before writing them off.

DON'T WRITE PEOPLE OFF BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT YOUR 'TYPE'

If you’ve been unhappily single for a long time, clearly your ‘type’ isn’t your type otherwise you’re be happily settled down by now! Dating the same type of person over and over isn’t going to get you anywhere if it hasn’t already. 

 

If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got. Try dating someone who doesn’t fit the tried-and-never-works profile and see where it takes you.

 

GET RID OF YOUR BAGGAGE

Angry people are not attractive. Period. 

 

If you’re still furious at your exes for all manner of sins, you are not going to be appealing to anyone. Suspicion sabotages relationships before you even start. 

 

Yes, people have to earn your trust but don’t make your new partner pay for all the sins of the past.

 

DON'T WASTE TIME ON LOSERS

Resist the urge to ‘fix’ or rescue and don’t excuse bad behaviour.

 

If you’re a woman, read ‘He’s just not that into you’ (Greg Behrendt); if you’re a man the basic premise of the book applies to you as well.

 

It’s this: people really aren’t that complicated. If someone likes you and wants a relationship, they’ll act like they do. Stop wasting time on dead-end relationships with people who won’t grow up.

DON'T WAIT TO BE CHOSEN 

See someone you like the look of? Go get them! 

 

Walk right over, introduce yourself and do a bit of old-fashioned charming as well as flirting. Eye contact can get you lots of places but if it’s not working, do something.

 

If you fancy someone and work and they’re single, invite them for a drink after work and flirt – a lot.

Make it abundantly clear you’d like more than just friendship. 

If they reject you, so what? At least you won’t lie in bed when you’re 60 wondering ‘What if…”

 

ARE YOU AIMING TOO HIGH?

Are you a ‘six’ on the scale of attractiveness but refusing to even consider anyone who isn’t an ‘eight’ or above?

It’s great to be confident but ask a good friend for a reality check if you have a niggling doubt this could be a problem and ask them to tell you if you’re trying to pull people who are out of reach.

 

A good guideline is to not ask for anything from a potential partner that you can’t deliver yourself.

My book Hot Relationships: How to Have One talks a lot about how to formulate a sensible, achievable partner wish list.

 

LOOK AT THE WHOLE PACKAGE 

Dismissing people purely on looks or money isn’t just pretentious, it’s misguided.

How attractive we are includes many other factors like intelligence, sense of humour, chosen career, social wit and confidence, popularity, generosity and kindness.

 

All these attributes can turn a mediocre five on the looks scale into a nine on the highly desired partner scale.

Look at all aspects of a person rather than divide them into parts.

 

STOP GLORIFYING OTHER PEOPLE'S RELATIONSHIPS

The rich, handsome CEO husband your friend has might look great to you but do you want a relationship where you hardly see your partner?

 

There’s a flipside to everything and it’s impossible to truly look into other people’s relationships.

 

KNOW YOURSELF  

We’ve all had a friend who constantly complains about being single but has no clue just how controlling/unreasonable/badly they behave once they’re in a relationship.

 

If you have a history of people leaving you, you might have made bad choices – or you might be doing something that’s driving people away.

 

The better you know yourself, the happier people are.

 

If you aren’t sure what signals you’re sending and would like an objective opinion, again, take yourself off to see a good therapist for an emotional MOT.

 

Say you want to make sure you’re not stuck in any toxic love patterns that are stopping you finding long-lasting love.

Two fantastic books that were life-changing for me along the way: ‘Attached: Identify your attachment style and find your perfect match” (Rachel Heller) and “Why women talk and men walk” (Patricia Love).

 

DATING APPS ARE FINE - SO LONG AS THEY SUIT YOU 

You need to look a certain way, be socially gregarious, confident, street smart and a little brazen to navigate the likes of Tinder and find a long-term relationship.

 

Apps like Tinder work really well for some people - and are an unmitigated disaster for others.

Just as some shine at a small dinner party, where they can bedazzle with their intelligence and banter, others look their most attractive while playing sport or doing something else they love.

 

You’ve got much more chance of finding love in the places where you feel most comfortable and happiest because that’s where you will look your best and be most open to advances.

 

Yes, that might mean joining a club.

 

DON'T CYBER STALK (THOUGH DO A QUICK GOOGLE)

By all means google a new potential partner’s name to see what comes up (fingers crossed it’s not a link to a murder investigation) but resist the urge to go into any public social media accounts until you’ve got to know them a bit.

 

Photos do lie.

 

For all you know, that possessive-looking blonde with the big knockers draped all over him might well be his big sis.

DON'T PROJECT, LISTEN

Our opinions of everyone we met are filtered through our own previous experiences and biases.

First impressions aren’t always correct.

 

Rather than assume what the person you’re with is going to say, listen with a non-judgemental ear to what they’re actually saying.

 

DON'T FAST FORWARD

Just because you’ve slept together a few times, does not mean you’re in a serious relationship.

It’s great to be excited early on but be careful about being too gushy with friends who are very liable to blurt out,“It’s so lovely Jane’s met you. She’s been waiting so long to meet someone special. See Jane? I said you’d have your happy ending!”

 

Cringe – and exit left the potential Prince Charming.